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The Get-Rid-Of-An-Old-Boyfriend Self Therapy, or 3 rules of a breakup. Part One

The Anatomy of Breakups



Who remembers that harmless kids' K-I-S-S-I-N-G song? “...First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes baby in a baby carriage.”Wrong! First comes love, then comes breakup! Does anyone know how we girls create a perfect fantasy out of the most likely a very ordinary date? Easily, but not without great effort! Girls mostly are raised and phrased on glittery fantasies of Disney Princesses. He, the handsome Prince, always shows up, rescues the Damsel in distress, and after a glorious kiss there it is - a golden, blissfully happy-ever-after. By the way, have any of us ever seen a baby in a carriage in any of those Disney fantasies? Nope, not even once! I truly wonder, why not? Are you following me here? Girls grow up, and fairy tales lose their glossy magic with time. The glass slippers, poisoned apples, vicious stepmothers, and goody-goody fairy godmothers with time become no longer relevant. Even the Prince has outgrown his crown and by now may not be that charming anymore!       

Then one day, a very ordinary day, a girl who also grew up and really blossomed, instead of the Disney Prince from her whimsical childhood fantasies runs into him, the glorious Guy from her now fading everlasting dreams. Hallelujah! He may not even look anything, or be anyone special, but what do we know?... Suddenly there is a tingle in the pit of her stomach, and immediately the bells are ringing and stars are falling - Ching-Ching-Ching, like in Vegas. Dreamily she thinks “it’s him! The One, for always and forever!” There you go! We all have been there! Sometimes this scenario works, but a lot of times it doesn’t. Eventually, something will go south down the road and puff!... The golden carriage turns into a very ordinary pumpkin, Prince may become a Beast, and let’s be fair, even the Princess can turn into the nowadays She-Monsters! Dang! We have a different tingle in the pit of our stomachs and now are facing our worst nightmare - The Breakup! Instead of bliss and shiny stars there comes Bam-Wham-I'm-getting-outta-here-Ma'am! Not exactly the Disney dream!

       Ladies, do you follow me? Now you're gonna need a Long Island Tea to get you through, cause multiple Mojitos aren’t strong enough! If you feel the Guy is the one who wants to do the dumping, then you better be fast. Turn all the tables on him. You dump him first, sister! Keep your radars always on! Be prepared!  Who invented breakups? Do they secretly teach this subject in High School, or you can learn it fast online? Breakup-For-Dummies-101. I mean, here is a girl with all her fantasies, she already mapped out her entire life with this guy. It’s not just about the wedding dress and color of the ice figures dripping champagne on drunk guests and rowdy party crashers. She already had in her head which college her future grandkids will go to! And then suddenly Bam - all goes up through the Chimney! He is busy, saving the lives of the Universe, or he is emotionally unavailable, or hasn’t grown up yet, or a whole lot of other reasons! Simply he ain’t that much into you, sister!

Whose fault is this breakup gonna be? Who will take the blame? As a female, I say the girl has to win, at least she should try, right? Afterall all we have a reputation to uphold and dignity to protect in the eyes of our friends, colleagues, and the entire flock of Facebook strangers. Never forget that icy-blue and white Facebook with all these meaningless poking and cheery backgrounds behind your countless status daily updates!         

What causes the breakup? Let’s say, Guy can’t commit and instead of a relationship, this unclassified turmoil evolves into a beneficial flirtationship, or even more ridiculous situationship - more than just friendship and way less than what you really want. One day girl gets fed up and takes the charge. “It’s time,” she says - “shape up or ship out! I’ve had it!” Whereas he, the modern prince of her now about-to-be-crashed dreams, is still not ready to shape up and trying to latch on to the whimsical straws of the forever-friendship myth while coming up with all sorts of lousy excuses. Why? Because he is selfishly comfortable with the way things are, and why change anything anyway, right? Wrong! He still isn’t ready, he may never be ready, he doesn’t know how to do it the right way - the entire relationship concept, and he is under severe influence of the wrong friends, doesn’t know how to broadcast on Instagram or Snapchat, as we do, and just drowned in his own insecurities. Really? I’m repeating! He isn’t that much into you! Grow up, girl! Now the girl has to pull double duty! Not that she just has to come to terms with her own feelings and headaches, but she also has to stage a breakup, analyze the possible outcome, and maybe even create an online forum and role-play what she will say to him, and what he possibly can choke up and cough back in his defense, and whether her besties gonna approve it at all? Sometimes she is inclined to protect his feelings too, so he won’t hurt his own ego that much. Even worse, she still keeps the fantasy going that he will grow up and will return to crumbling down Dreamland to save the day! He won’t!       

I say, stop mothering him, girl, he ain’t your baby in that carriage from the crushing Disney Dreams! Let him have it! Lay it straight on him! Let him fall on his behind and feel how hard he’ll land on the ground of his new realities. Maybe then he will feel half of your pain at least. Breakups are a hard business, it’s not for rookies! I’d say, wake up, girl! He ain’t that much into you! Don’t waste your time! Your tickets to Disney Paradise have expired by now.         

Do you see, what I’m saying here? Yet again, breakups are not for rookies! Keep on reading, and next time I’ll share with Y’All the painful rules of breakup! This was just an introduction to some goody stuff!